Tampa’s Babadook… You Can’t Escape the Babadook

Ben Delanoy December 18, 2014 0
Tampa’s Babadook… You Can’t Escape the Babadook

A lot of creative writing for the media entities I own are just social media fluff and product endorsements. I understand it’s all a part of the game and necessary for making money. Ultimately, I do aim to provide quality content and make a difference in this world, even if it’s just for one person. However, that pendulum swings both ways. One of my biggest pet peeves are the fucking assholes and cunts of the world who take advantage of people and fly under the radar to get ahead in life. Since our society is so politically correct and you can’t kick everyone’s ass (especially women), I am luckily afforded with the platform to expose such individuals for their less than honorable actions. It’s certainly not something I am proud of, but individuals such as this can set people back in life, with no legal ramifications to speak of despite their actions. I want to help as many people in this world with limited time that I have left, but I also, sincerely want to destroy those who are a plight on humanity. There are way to many pieces of shit in this world and far too few willing to perform the duties of turd herder. So I grab the skimmer in this entry for 813 Magazine:

For those of you who have caught the surprise-hit, Aussie horror film “The Babadook” this year, you understand just how terrifying letting this creature into your home can be. The movie is centered around a book, titled “Mister Babadook”, which is about a supernatural creature that, once someone is made aware of its existence, torments that person indefinitely.

A rumbling sound, then three sharp knocks
you better run, or he’ll hold you in his locks.

Tampa has it’s own Babadook, and will it ever torment you!

Our Babadook however, is a she and not a he, and that rumbling sound is the Babadook drunkenly navigating the streets of South Tampa on her VIP Future Champion 50cc Scooter, with her skeletal-zombie legs asunder for balance, looking for her next home to invade.

A self-touted “model” and former bartender at several Tampa watering holes, Michele Corron, 47, of the “streets of Tampa”, has gone the way of many who get sucked in to the career food & drink service industry… alcoholism. She is also imaginary best friends with Mayor Bob Buckhorn and delusionally, still-engaged to the owner of a prominent downtown eatery. So please, tread lightly should you encounter the Tampa Babadook!

Feel not sorry for this creature’s devolution be that as it may… have sympathy for the tenants of the four different residences she has terrorized in the past 30 days…

My girlfriend and I are amongst  those four, and we are still being harrassed by ‘Babadook Michele’ to this day.

Afflicted with not only the pickled liver, this Babadook is also stricken with hypochondria, mythomania, irritable bowel syndrome and presumably Tourette’s syndrome, as she has been associated with the exclamation of random culinary words such as “garlic bread” or “baked beans” under the perpetual influence of 50ml whiskey bottles.

Followed by the “three sharp knocks”, this Babadook will enter your home and endanger your family, your assets and especially your liquor cabinet. While the Babadook will benignly dwell in a dark corner of your home, harassing friends and family via text messaging for a pittance to feed her “illness”, Babadook Michele will exit the shadows once you leave your dwelling, only to steal your belongings (including your food), in a primitive attempt to trade these items for the liquid malted barley and cheap tobacco she so craves. Once the bartering is finalized and the vice is fulfilled, Babadook Michele will scurry back into the dark corners of your home to blackout until you return to find your residence doors open, stove burners on, and the smoldering cigarette next to the corpse like frame of the resting Babadook, who couldn’t finish before the numbing set in. The Babadook will regain consciousness in the early AM hours, only to awaken the inhabitants of the dwelling she haunts with an intestinal alarm clock powered by explosive diarrhea. This is the daily cycle of Tampa’s Babadook.

Clogging four porcelain thrones at the witching hour in less than one month (and being evicted from them all), Babadook Michele preys on the compassionate under the guise of illness and homelessness. However her victim demographic is usually the overweight, middle-aged male that prowls the many dives that Tampa has to offer. Purporting her charade, Michele is a staple at Tampa General Hospital where she feigns illness at least once a week to obtain an all-important patient sticker and bracelet which is part of her costume to evoke sympathy from her prey. (Since the Babadook has an aversion to bathing and laundry, we have witnessed the TGH sticker affixed to her 98 Rock tee for as many as 4 days.)

One day I heard her come home and then saw the neighbor through my window darting across the street yelling something. I went outside to find Michelle, shit-faced lying in the driveway under her moped with the muffler burning her leg. She just was just laying there glassy-eyed making noises like a wounded goat. – Landlord #2

Once the cycle of the Babadook has run it’s course and the eviction has been complete, Michele will not only harass the former landlord with several text messages and calls throughout all hours of the day and night, she will additionally and spitefully call the police, code enforcement and even utility companies falsifying information in an attempt to gain revenge on the those whose benevolence she has emulsified.

The Babadook has currently been spotted on Davis Island, exploiting the kindness of a senior citizen through shelter, from where Babadook Michele broadcasts her random, incoherent and threatening texts at all hours of the night to those who have trespassed her.

The Babadook’s family has even reached out to us to relay that they have been tormented by her for years and advised us that they wish to have Babadook Michele institutionalized. We feel their pain and hope no one else has to endure the ridiculously excruciating locks which eminent from Tampa’s Babadook.

So if you happen to encounter Tampa’s Babadook, please do not let her in…

‘Cause if it’s in a word, or if it’s in a book
you can’t get rid of the Babadook
…. you’ll see HER if you look

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